(You can read my) Poker Face

Had to weigh in on the Grammy nominations recently announced. I recognize and appreciate the fact that I am bitter and jaded and have always take music way more seriously than intended. However, I threw up in my mouth a little when I saw that Lady Gaga was nominated for album, record and song of the year. This is for reals. The three biggest music awards of the year now have the potential to be won by a woman who wrote and sang, "I'm bluffin' with my muffin." I just threw up a little more typing that out.

Now, I'm not trying to take anything away from Lady Gaga--girl has a hit record and the kids eat it up and she deserves some recognition, but her place belongs in the dance record category and maybe best new artist. It's where Ace of Base was put when Grammy nominee chimps decided that those Swedish popsters needed an award. But there they stayed. Again, I know that I am in the minority here when I say that I would rather watch the Garbage Pail Kids movie on repeat while having my sphincter stimulated by a cattle prod than have to listen to the Lady Gaga cd in its entirety. However, is it even a little bit possible that the new Pearl Jam record might be just the slightest bit more worthy of Album of the Year? Or the new Morrissey or AFI?

So, here is my solution. If Lady Gaga and her bluffin' muffin wins any of those awards, she has to do a steel cage death match against my pick for album of the year, Gallows and their smash-your-symmetrical-face-in masterpiece, Grey Britain. In fact, Lady Gaga can have my anal cattle prod for protection and she can go up against just Frank, Gallows' lead singer. If Lady Gaga and her shock stick can last two minutes with Frank, she can keep her award and I will even buy a copy of her album just so she gets another SoundScan credit. If she is bested, she has to issue a formal apology for the musical atrocity she has perpetrated and turn her Grammy over to Jimmy Sturr, since there is no longer a polka category for him to dominate. I think I'm being more than fair.