Felines Found!

Today we present a special guest post from Milo and Kamala Squeamish. (Today is Milo's 10th birthday!) Our mascot felines want to remind you all that June is Adopt a Shelter Cat Month.

According to the ASPCA, four million cats and kittens enter shelters every year. That's a lot more kittens than they can show on those tear-jerker public service commercials with Sarah McLaughlin tugging at your goddamn heartstrings. So imagine a channel that is dedicated to running that all day long, everyday with different animals each time. That is the reality. There are a couple of programs new to this year that offer you different ways to participate. If you are able to take in a cat, more than 100 shelters nationwide have agreed to drop their normal adoption fees for the month. Fresh Step will donate $1 for every "Like" on their Facebook page, so even if you aren't in the position to welcome a new kitty into your home, there are things that you can do!

We feel like there are a couple of topics that for some retarded reason remain "controversial," though the right answers are actually quite simple and most of the controversy can be reduced to willful ignorance. Combined with the fact that even progressive vets have a difficult time talking straight about some of these issues, they are often treated delicately. Not us--we are going to club you over the head with the truth. We stand by this as realistic and carefully considered advice for the well-being of the animal, without sparing the feelings of those who feel otherwise.

*Spay or neuter. Just do it. Don't contribute to the already overpopulated felines. You are not a breeder, and even if you do manage to find homes for all your kittens, you are reducing the chance of already sheltered cats being adopted.

*Feed a good food. Foods that have corn as their first ingredient are shit. Quality meals will reduce the risk of disease in the long run, even though it is more expensive up front. Look for chow that has a protein listed at the top. Buy it at a pet store, not the supermarket, if you can--sometimes they even stock locally made foods. (For example, here in Philly look for Annamaet.)

*Microchip your cat--it is cheap and can be done while your animal is down being fixed and can help when Professor Whiskers darts out the door unexpectedly. On that note, don't intentionally let your cat go outside. In the city and suburbs, they have to contend with traffic and in more rural areas, wild animals (birds of prey, larger felines and canines, etc.). You are just asking for a shorter time with your pet if you allow your cat to wander.

*Don't fucking declaw your cat. It is cruel and painful. You are not just removing the claw, you are cutting off bone as declawing removes the toe from the last knuckle on. It is a serious surgery that can take weeks to recover from, and if not done properly, can leave your cat with deformed and sensitive feet for life. And of course it hurts! Don't let insensitive assholes tell you that cats don't feel any pain from this, they do!

If you are hellbent on having a declawed cat, wait until one that has already had this unnecessary surgery is up for adoption.

*Finally, be sure that you are prepared financially for the short term and long term costs of having a cat. If they need any procedure beyond normal yearly vet visits, the bills can add up quickly. Medical care for animals is expensive, just as it is for humans. That being said, it is amazing what can done for your cat's health these days--almost any procedure done for a human can be done for a cat, as long as you can afford it. You owe it to the animal that depends on you to at least have modest savings budgeted for emergency care.

Much, much more information written by animal care professionals can be found at the links below. Please be sure to read about all the in and outs, what-have-yous of adopting a shelter animal. If you can't even take the time to do the research in advance, perhaps pet ownership isn't for you. When you take in an animal you are responsible for its quality of life. It is not something that you give away when you move or because you have a second kid. Your pet trusts you with its life, you better earn that trust.

American Human Association (nationwide)
ASPCA (nationwide)
Alley Cat Allies (nationwide)
Philadelphia Animal Welfare Society (P.A.W.S.) (Philadelphia)
Stray Cat Blues (Philadelphia)
Kitty Adoption Team (K.A.T.) (Philadelphia)
Annamaet

The Ink and the Quill

An open note to New South Publishing:

It has come to our attension that you intend to republish The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn devoid of the terms "nigger" and "injun." We understand that because this particular book is rife with these epithets, and is required reading by such a wide range of school systems, you wish to provide a copy of the tome that is updated to today's sympathies and sensitivities. In response, we would like to say, way to go you gigantic dildos.

Have you ever even read Huck Finn? What in the holy hell is wrong with you? Are you able to comprehend the English language, or do you just see a series of letters and words and assume that you know what the fuck you're reading? While perhaps your intentions to be sensitive to African and Native Americans are in some senses noble, you are majorly misguided for two main reasons.

First, the story of Huck and Jim is that as they travel down the river, Huck slowly comes to realize Jim's humanity. Hence, Huck finally attempts helps Jim escape to freedom, regardless of the consequences, which would have been harsh to be sure. When Tom Sawyer is shot in the botched escape attempt, Jim sacrifices himself to remain with the boys, rather than continuing on to his path towards freedom. Huck, the most unlikely character in the book, un"civilized" and uneducated, rises above the expectations of society and proves himself a better person than any of the wealthy, land owning, learned individuals. Jim, the slave, the property, the chattel, gives more of himself than anyone else in the book and through his self denial, elevates himself above the viewpoint of society. As Huck and Jim follow the current of the Mississippi, the young boy's outlook is changed, and he is reborn free of the racist expectations of those who see themselves as attempting to curb his backwoods upbringing. Huck and Jim are the heroes of the novel; they are the two characters to be admired and emulated.

Second, Huck Finn was intended to be representative of the time in which it is set. Mark Twain wrote the novel well after the end of the Civil War, when racial relations were supposed to be improving. However, little had changed, particularly in the south, where blacks were still treated as less than second class citizens and had made few inroads into society. In most senses, they were still subjected to the will of "proper" society and hence continued to be treated as property, or worse, since now white people didn't even have a financial investment in black folks. The book is, in full, written in the language of the time, even to the extent that dialogue is spelled phonetically and slang, for good or ill, is intact. Twain intended for readers at the time to draw parallels between the setting of the book and the current time, and to realize that they could not simply pat themselves on the back for a job well done following the Emancipation Proclamation. There was still work to be done--people needed a wake up call that all was not well on the racial prejudice front.

The river, and the ensuing journey, are symbols of new life, as water always is in literature. To change the language, is to devalue to the premise that Huck and Jim are able to transcend the values and ideas placed upon them. Twain intended the n-word to be hurtful, hence why Huck's transformation is so amazing and carries so much power. Without the realistic tone of the novel, Huck's rebirth and Jim's selflessness lose their rather remarkable meaning. Twain's challenge to all of us is the same as it was for the audience at the time of publication; to realize our own society's limitations and shortcomings, and to rise against them. We here at I Hope You're not Squeamish urge you to reconsider your attempts to strip one of the great American novels of its meaning and soul. Don't be a bunch of ignorant cunts. Pretty please.

Independence Brought to you by these Sponsors

We are are going to start 2011 off on a negative note by being totally counterproductive and complaining about something about which barely even matters. For most people, the dawn of a new year represents the promise of the upcoming unknown; we are going to instead lament the passing of something great. Starting a few weeks ago the formerly great Independent Film Channel has changed formats, interrupting their programming with commercials every 15 minutes, just like every other shitty station. IFC will continue its mission of bringing the weird, and we will give them credit for continuing to not edit for content. However, watching a Gus Van Sant movie interspersed with Old Spice and freecreditreport.com commercials just seems to (a) be a contradiction and (b) make those kind of movies lose some of their power. For example, I was watching The Devil's Rejects* and the last scene, a montage set to Free Bird, was cut in half for two and a half minutes of ads. Maybe it's just me, but the scene was ruined; a shame since that is probably they only good use of Free Bird pretty much ever. The constant bombardment of advertisements makes watching a boring or slow-paced movie, but one that you are interested in seeing (what's up, Chapter 27) almost impossible as a boring two hour movie becomes a boring three hour (or more) movie. In an attempt to counter their moves towards becoming a normal basic cable channel, IFC has expanded the alternative television shows--the Ben Stiller Show, Portlandia, the Gary Shandling Show, Mr. Show and the addition of the Onion News Network, which is sure to be killer. While the addition of commercials will probably not hinder watching these excellent shows, since our minds are already acclimated to expect them during half hour/hour programming, trying to watch introspective movies and being constantly interrupted pretty much makes my mind think that I am watching Dumb and Dumber on TBS. Sorry. So, I will still watch IFC, but it will no longer be the first channel I check when I turn on the tube, and I will probably only watch something that I haven't yet seen. It's a shame because I managed to kill countless hours in the past watching flicks that I had seem once or twice previously and managing to wring a little more meaning out of particular scenes or lines. Gone are those days, because I just don't have that kind of patience. Thank god Netflix seems to have stepped up its "watch instantly" program, by expanding the kind of movies that you can view at a moment's notice on the computer.


*Just a side note to point out that the Devil's Rejects is probably one of the greatest sequels of all time. It helps that House of 1000 Corpses is in the top five horror movies made in the last ten years by upping the ante for the torture porn flick, by having perfect art direction (who would expect any less from Rob Zombie) and well developed characters--the killers were totally insane and original, plus the victims were easily despicable and you wanted them to die. The Devil's Rejects worked perfectly as a sequel because it gave new depth and dimension to the Firefly Clan and because Zombie didn't even try to match the terror and horror he created in the original. Instead, he went in a totally different direction by basically making a road movie with the same characters. By removing his mass murderers from their twisted haunted house where they were gods/monsters and putting them in our world, we saw their human weakness, something not explored in the first film.

Better than the Song by Zack Attack

Today we celebrate the 25th anniversary of crucial Sunday comic Calvin and Hobbes. At this point, Calvin and Hobbes has been gone longer than it was with us as an active strip, but it remains unparalleled in its juxtaposition of juvenile humor with legitimate social criticism. But most of all, it was a bridge that joined parents and children and help them understand one another just a little bit better. We were all reminded of the infinite possibilities that Calvin represented, those dreams that we stretched to attain, and the forces that would bring us back down to reality.

Who in 1985 could have guessed that the exploits of a boy and his stuffed tiger could speak so clearly to so many people; that thousands upon thousands of readers would be united in finding little bits and pieces of their lives mirrored in those three little boxes in the funny pages. We each have our own Hobbes--the full time foil (but part time snake charmer) for Calvin's antics; the straight man to ground us when our minds run a little too wild, and egg us on when we need to learn a lesson for our own good. Calvin and Hobbes, as characters, had a relationship with qualities from both brotherhood and friendship. Together, they involved themselves in any number of imaginative projects: parenthood approval polls, avant-garde snow sculptures, harrowing toboggan/Radio Flyer rides down hills and off cliffs, the exaggerated adventures of Spaceman Spiff/Tracer Bullet/Stupendous Man, epic battles of Calvinball, run ins with Rosalyn the baby sitter, or simply contemplating the complex world of grown ups. These are all things that we grapple with growing up, in one manner or another. Everyone has their version of Saturday mornings, jacked up on Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs, reading Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie. And who didn't join at least one version of G.R.O.S.S. in middle school, to ensure that the object of our affection thought that their mere presence would induce vomiting.

For his part, writer/illustrator Bill Watterson always made a big deal about protecting his creation from being tainted. He refused to sign autographs, or even really do interviews, claiming that both would trivialize what he (and many others) saw as precious. None of the copious amounts of Calvin merchandise is authorized by Watterson. That includes those frat boy tee shirts with the eponymous characters dancing in shades and PJs, and the hick stickers of Calvin pissing on the Chevy logo (or Ford, depending on your particular automotive leanings). In fact, the only official Calvin and Hobbes products, besides the books, are two monthly calenders (1989 & 1990), one tee shirt created in a run of one for the MOMA, and an educational book, Teaching with Calvin and Hobbes, which is long out of print and sells for several hundred dollars if you are lucky enough to find one for sale.

Calvin and Hobbes is unique in that, in its ten years of existence, it was always consistently funny, touching, whimsical, philosophical and endearing. It never dipped in quality. You can read and re-read the collections and they are still just as humorous and relevant as ever. We can still learn just as much from those familiar panels, see our own lives reflected back at us and find comfort in that. And even through there will probably never be new Calvin and Hobbes comic, we can just remember what we once had and how good it was. That doesn't make it mean any less. True friends are hard to come by.

Thoughts on 9.11

Nine years gone by and it's still at the front of everyone's mind when we hear a plane flying lower than normal. 108 months we have spent worrying about al-Qaeda, anthrax, Abu Ghraib, enemy combatants in Guantanamo, the cost and supply of oil, and the safety of our friends and loved ones deployed in military service. 468 weeks we have spent planning, executing and analyzing our military actions in Afghanistan and, unfortunately, Iraq. 3285 days in which we have had the opportunity to make researched, educated decisions for our own protection and to benefit the global community.

Yet even after all that time, the ignorance and knee-jerk reactions to Muslim people, people who are simply of Middle Eastern descent, and people who may just look like they are from that part of the world has probably increased. Prior to September 11th, I think that most people thought little to nothing about the Middle East. Our first war in Iraq was a distant, hazy memory to the general public and only a small percentage of the population had ever heard of Osama bin Laden. Now all of this is common knowledge, but the spread of misinformation, truth tainted by emotion and outright lies has dominated the headlines and airwaves and the hearts and minds of the majority of our citizens.

Take, for example just the last few months and weeks. Terry Jones (who I refused to dignify with the title of Reverend) and his dingbat church in Florida love America so much that they want to burn 200 copies of the Qur'an on 9.11, despite being warned by the military and by the secretary of state and the President that this will result in retaliation against Americans abroad. Way to go, numb-nuts. That is some true patriotism if ever I saw it. Now this class "A" loon is in NYC to see what he can do to influence that particular situation.

Could we remember that it was a perception of us as intolerant that lead the Islamic extremists (some need reminding that these were not your average, everyday Muslims that perpetrated the attacks) to careen into Manhattan. Could we look back on this tragic day and use it as an opportunity to heal wounds and remember that we are all human beings who need to treat each other with respect and understanding? Could we possibly, just for once, take the high road and not stoop to the same reactionary bullshit that facilitated this event in the first place? No no no no no. Instead, we are going to look like a bunch of ignoramuses who are unable to embrace anything outside our own experience.

With that in mind, we here at I Hope You're not Squeamish say build mosques in NYC. Build them 100 stories tall and thirty city blocks wide. What better way to say to the world, "We know that the individuals associated with 9/11 are not representative of the Muslim world in general." There is no doubt that this will not sit well with some survivors of the September 11th attacks or their families or their friends. There will be some hostility and some deeply hurt feelings and all those feelings are perfectly justified. No one, not President Obama, not Mayor Bloomberg, not ol' Mikey Squeamish wants to do anything to diminish or tarnish the memories of those who died in New York, Washington DC and Shanksville, Pennsylvania.

But I can think of no fate better for Ground Zero than to be shrine, a beacon that shines throughout the United States and the world, for tolerance, understanding and peace. Despite the fact that our President and most of our government urge the American public to use today to reflect on the tragedy of September 11th, 2001, and to use those feelings to try to rekindle the spirit of unity we all felt that afternoon, we are only as strong as our weakest parts. If what the world sees are a group of Americans that are united by a blind hatred of Islam, a slice of the citizenry that uses 9/11 to perpetuate racism and bigotry, that will continue to be our legacy. Is that how we want our children and our children's children to remember us?

I would argue that in the course of American history, September 11th may go down as a more influential event than Pearl Harbor, the two of which it is almost impossible not to compare. However, following Pearl Harbor, the United States entered into the already on going World War II, with the full support of its citizens and the approval of most of our allies. 9/11 has only seen the country more deeply divided than ever--Tea Party versus bleeding heart, red state versus blue state, the richest of the rich versus the the poorest of the poor. George W. Bush and Barack Obama will both be remembered as controversial Presidents that were detested by half the country.

We must, must, must move forward from here. When the 10th anniversary comes around next year, the whole world will be watching. We must choose our words and actions wisely and be an example for people everywhere that from the ashes of tragedy can come true unity, and that patriotism is not an excuse for hatred and ignorance, but a path that leads to the benefit of all.

More like "Bore-ophyl"

So maybe yer ole pal Mikey Squeamish is behind the times a little bit, but this whole "Retrosexual" deal has got to be stopped cold in its tracks before it gets too big for its britches. For those even further behind than myself, "Retrosexual" is a movement that seeks to reclaim a sense of manliness, based on lessons from bygone eras when masculinity was a given and men knew how to dress, fix/create with their own two hands and just generally be "men". Now, you would think that this kind of thing would be right up my alley, and nine times out of ten you would be dead right, but this shit has caught me kind of off guard, and it pisses me off for two reasons. Primarily, I see this as biting my style and outlook, one that I have practiced in varying degrees for many years now. However, I am also highly suspect of the motivations of both the authors and proponents of this lifestyle.

Retrosexual seems to be pretty much spearheaded by nutsack in training, Brett McKay. Mr. McKay is the author of, and seems to be the primary webvoice of, The Art of Manliness. It seems to me, in my opinion, that Mr. Brett is not really the "man's man" that he purports to be, but is really just a fashionista who happens to like classic '50's clothing. No matter how many black and white pictures of guys with waxed mustashes or drawings ripped from pulp comics decorate the site, A of M is still just fashion commentary, like an issue of Esquire or GQ or Details. This shit just reeks of pretension and elitism. Look dude, everyone likes "Mad Men" and wants chicks like that redhead to dig them, but get off your high horse and just admit that you like the clothes.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that this movement is all wrong. As I said earlier, I do identify with many of the concepts presented. Papa Squeamish is for sure a "man's man" and I don't feel that I will ever be able to live up to his reputation, as much as I may try. In Fight Club, Tyler Durdin says, "We are a generation of men raised by women." This is true. Men currently in their twenties and thirties, as this is most assuredly who "Retrosexual" is aimed at, are, in large part, a bunch of softies. We are the first generation of men who did not, as a whole, serve in wartime. Large portions of this generation were raised with the notion that toy guns lead to adult violence and that playing cowboys and indians was insensitive. Our dads were kind enough not to beat the living shit out of us when we misbehaved. So, yeah, we could use some toughening up; there is no doubt or argument about this.

However, when we look back at our fathers and grandfathers and the epitome of masculinity that they set, we must remember that they did not become that way be reading a magazine or visiting a website or watching youtube videos. They knew how to fix the family Chrysler because on Saturday morning they got up early, cut the grass and then went out and started taking apart the engine until they discovered the problem. Then they went to the autoparts store, used the guide book to find the necessary filter, plug, ring etc., went home, and put the car back together. They knew not to wear white socks with a suit because who in fuck's name would do that? They carried pocket knives because they were acutally fixing things with them, not because they wanted to look cool when they emptied their pockets. PS--You can't even carry a pocket knife many places these days anyway, so put that shit in your desk or whatever and it might actually serve a purpose.

Ok, so this is really up to you to decide for yourself. Check out their website, or the book, and see what appeals to you. Like I said, there are some actual well written, informative articles scattered on the site (see, for example: Foil Packet Recipes for the Campfire). Then, you can either embrace this "lifestyle" which will no doubt leave you well dressed and well mannered and prepared should you ever have to engage in an impromptu boxing match. Or, you can take your time, develop a style that is actually your own, be an individual and a real man to your family and friends. Your choice.

The Art of Manliness

Genesis 1:29

If you're among the lucky, today is a bonus extension of the weekend, so use some of your extra time to be proactive and create. Using any outdoor space you have access to, take an hour or two to pot some plants. Ornamental gardening is nice, but if possible, planting some consumables is even better. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Even if you are just growing herbs in a terra cotta jar, there is something so much more rewarding when you add that taste to you dinner, knowing that you nurtured it with your own hands. City dwellers, you can do this too, provided you have even minimal access to some outside space--a porch, patio, rooftop or balcony. Tomatoes can be grown in large containers, though admittedly, they taste better when grown out of the ground. Hot peppers are definitely doable in a city garden. (Last year, I harvested so many scotch bonnets that I was giving them away to virtually anyone stupid enough visit my apartment. I ate them with every dinner, destroyed my tongue and couldn't pet my cats for weeks because the scorching heat stuck to my fingers for hours afterward, and usually into the next day, no matter how hard I scrubbed.) Even strawberries can be done in a super large window box. For those of you with no outdoor space to use, I have seen those hydroponic herb gardens flourish in many a dark, dank city apartment.

A garden will require some time each day for proper maintenance to ensure maximum yield. Especially if you are growing in containers, you will probably have to water twice a day, though it will take some time to figure out exact water levels for each of you plants. Remember to read the tag carefully for sun exposure and how large a container you need. If your plants need upkeep like deadheading or pruning, make sure that you keep on top of that. Proper drainage is key as well; a layer of stones can be used for pots without holes in the bottom. We would also encourage you to ask the nursery where you are buying your plants for their recommendations on soil additives like bonemeal, peat or manure and plant food. Though sometimes costly, they will significantly improve your harvest, both in terms of quality and quantity.

Numerous are the benefits of growing your own food. From a 75 cent plant, you can gather a significant amount of basil that you would have to buy at the supermarket. Pesto junkies, listen up, this is a serious monetary consideration. By growing your own produce, you also get control what goes into it. No more genetically engineered, wax and pesticide drenched veggies for you. Also, just as with buying from local farmer's markets, home grown food requires significantly less transportation, thereby reducing its carbon footprint.

Remember that this is supposed to be a fun project. If this is your first time gardening, start small. There is no point in overwhelming yourself with plants that you have difficulty maintaining or in taking on so many plants that you are stressed out. A few pots of pansies and a couple of herbs are an excellent way to test out your green thumb. Here are a few resources that you can use to help you along your way. Don't be intimidated by some of the amazing city gardens linked. Like any hobby, it takes years to be as proficient as some of these masters. Patience, grasshopper.

National Gardening Association
Better Homes and Gardens
New York City Garden
My City Garden (Jersey City)

Vote for Whoever...

Ok, the primaries are over, so take your damn campaign signs down. Seriously, where is the responsibility of either the candidates or the staff/volunteers that put up these eyesores? You care enough about your community (whether that be local, state or national community) to put up political statements all over the place in hopes that your messiah will get elected to office and fix the problems that are important to you. Ok, I understand that and fully support your freedom of speech. But now that the ballots have been cast and you were either successful or not, take that shit down. You are doing nothing but being a blight on your neighborhood by leaving those cheap cardboard placards around. Or, if you are truly too lazy to undo what you have done, how about creating a job or two by hiring someone to take them down for you? Though personally I think that you are fouling up your town by erecting the signs every foot and a half on the grassy median down the middle of big roads, I'm not trying to be a nazi or anything. You have something to say, so say it. But be an adult and take it down in an appropriate time frame. I'm just sayin'.

Protect Philly Art

Help! Philly's art scene is in desperate need of your help. Several city council members have introduced legislation for approval that would significantly hinder promoter's and venue's efforts to throw low cost, DIY, last minute or informally organized events. While there is nothing inherently wrong with the city council's interest in the safety of its art patrons, the bill goes overboard with regulation to which many of the smaller art galleries and concert spaces could not realistically adhere. The proposed bill would require at least 30 days notice for all events, very stringent regulations on a laundry list of alcohol and security plans, and almost impossible to meet requirements involving contracts between promoters and venues and estimated attendance. All promoters and venues would be affected by the new law and the legislation makes no distinction between large, corporately owned spaces like the Electric Factory, and the smallest of the small bars and promoters like R5 and nontraditional venues like Danger Danger Gallery and Ava House. It would essentially be an end to the Philadelphia art scene as we know it. It would cause a rise in ticket prices, a significant decrease in all ages events (already a major problem in Philly) and an almost probable end in DIY art gatherings and house shows. This is a disaster. Please take the time to read the bill and sign the petition against this major setback to our precious creative forces.

Bill 100267
Petition to Stop Bill 100267
Send emails, letters, faxes and phone calls to bill sponsor Bill Greenlee:
Bill.Greenlee@phila.gov
City Hall, Room 580
Philadelphia, PA 19107-3290
phone: (215) 686-3446, (215) 686-3447
fax: (215) 686-1927

BP Beats Off into the Gulf

Just a few words or thoughts or whatever about the BP oil spill disaster. Mistakes happen, I recognize that, but BP, worth billions upon billions of dollars, has really either slacked or been completely inept when it comes to resolving this crisis. This has left us with not only a natural disaster of epic proportions but also serves to redevestate the economic state of the gulf coast still suffering from the lack of preparation for Katrina.

Where is the outrage? Where are the riots outside BP corporate headquarters? Why are effigies of CEO Tony Hayward not burning in the streets of every major city round the world? As we approach a month after the initial explosion, it is pathetic how little progress has been made to actually stop the oil that is daily raping the Gulf of Mexico with 5000 barrels (or more, potentially much, much more, depending on your source) of crude. While there is little doubt that BP is trying to stop this atrocity, why was there not a plan in place for just such a situation so that an effective solution could be implemented immediately? It is obvious that they are just making it up as they go along, and yet they are not being publicly flogged by the government as they should be. Because these roaches of industry have so much money and political cellulite to push around, they are able to circumvent the efforts of organizations like the EPA and get away with only the minimum amount of safety efforts, and have little to no major disaster plan in place ahead of time. BP seems significantly more concerned with assigning blame to anyone other than themselves and minimizing the perceived impact than they do with taking any actual responsibility for their colossal fuck up. Seriously, if this rig garnered record profits, do you think that BP would give anyone else credit for that, or share the profits with anyone else? Hell no, they would greedily horde that shit for themselves and blow each other in celebration of a job well done. It seems beyond ridiculous that when their genius plan of putting a big box on top of the ejaculating well failed, the next solution suggested was (A) drill another well for relief and (B) plug up the existing well with a combination of rubber and golf balls. REALLY? REALLY. Any safety regulations on that new well by any chance? Or are they more likely just going to build it the same way and rush the job to boot?

If ever there was a wake up call to explore alternative sources of energy, it would seem like this is it, but there is little hope that our country will come together for the common good and actually put such a progressive plan into place. There is just too much money in oil, for both the organizations that control it and for the government agencies that regulate it. Never mind that the first company to successfully initiate a reasonable solar energy plan is going to be rich beyond their wildest dreams. That would take time and we want the money now. What a bunch of rich little spoiled cry babies our country has become. We are a people that feel like we are owed riches, that we are somehow automatically deserving of wealth, that we are entitled to more money than we can ever spend in a lifetime on anything truly worthwhile. We could take our monumental resources and solve so many problems but no, we are more content to selfishly stock pile our wealth Scrooge McDuck style so that we can think about how rich we are as we jerk off. Well congratulations. We have now (again) blown our load all over Mother Earth and left her beauty dripping in our cum. At least we can use all the oil for lube.

Now with 75% less Microfilm

This summer, we highly recommend that you revert back to the days of Underoos and go out and get yourself a library card. Not only can you imerse yourself in some fine literature (and stop reading those g.d. Nicholas Sparks "novels." I think that Target must be forcibly stripped of their license to sell the printed word.) but you can also check out some music, rent movies, catch up on periodicals with no subscription fees, enjoy free air conditioning and, perhaps best of all, get yourself some inexpensive education. Most public libraries offer many resources that do not include checking something out at the circulation desk. Now, certainly the size and location of your particular library is going to affect how much or little they offer and on what topics, but usually if your branch isn't offering something interesting, you can check out your county location for some more variety. Here are some of the things that are happening at the Free Library of Philadelphia, just in the two weeks or so:

Seminars for the under- and uninsured
Small Space/City Gardening
Citizenship classes
Poetry Slams for Teens
Programs for developing Financial Responsibility
English as a Second Language
SAT Prep

Some of these are free, some cost a few dollars. Some you have to register in advance, some you can just show up for. None the less, these are viable alternatives to things that are held at much greater cost within the private sphere. Your tax dollars already go to at least partially fund these programs; you should take advantage of these things. Theoretically, once you apply your new knowledge, the minimal registration fees should pay for themselves in the long run. People would be so much less upset at paying taxes if they utilized more of the programs towards which their dollars were funneled. Plus, by educating yourself, you will not only reap the benefits yourself, but so will your community, either by consuming less, creating more, participating more actively, etc. So upgrade your gray matter, 'cause one day it may matter. Bonus points if you are one in a thousand who actually has a hot librarian. (I'm just saying, nerdery is definitely sexy in the right proportions.)

Free Library of Philadelphia
American Library Association

I try not to be one for afterthoughts, but it occurred to me the other day that kids growing up today (and probably even some kids who are already on their way to college, whoa) will never know a true, honest to goodness card catalog. They are doomed to the virtual, digital version forever. I haven't been back to my childhood library in years, but I'll bet the chest of drawers with the oak tag chronicle of volumes is long gone. There was something comforting about the worn note cards where author's names and titles of epic tales were hacked apart due to a lack of physical room on the card. Some of the monikers were badly abbreviated, some were simply divorced of their endings and ended abruptly with a faceless period. Now on my bucket list, my own personal card catalog. --toodles! mikey.

This Fragile Planet

Wishing you all a magnificent Earth Day! Please do something today that benefits our Mother, she has been so kind and forgiving to us in the past. It is a shame that in the 200000 years or so that there have been humans that we have gotten worse, not better, at conserving natural resources and protecting our island home. We can make i-pods the size of a fucking fingernail, but yet can't manage to make our cars any more fuel efficient or implement protections for endangered species or quit burning the rain forests to the ground. As a species, we suck at maintaining our environment, even in as much as making sure that it is not toxic and detrimental to our survival. Man o man, how the hell are we the epitome of evolution? Fish do a better job at finding a balance with their ecosystem and they have five second memories. For the last forty years, hippies across the country have made it their noble effort to have general society recognize how important it is to respect the Earth. So please what you can this Earth Day--recycle your dead batteries, install ecofriendly lightbulbs in the lamps in your home, take the bus or train to work. Anything, from the smallest effort to the largest movement, counts a little bit in our war against ourselves.

National Treasures that don't Include Nick Cage

Get out and get some fresh air! It's National Park Week and admission is free to all 392 national parks across the land. This even includes the big ones: Grand Canyon in Arizona, Mount Rushmore in South Dakota, Niagara Falls in New York, Muir Woods in California, Denali in Alaska. Anyone looking to check off one of those "always wanted to see that" places on your bucket list, this is your week. For those of you in the Philly area, we highly recommend the Edgar Allen Poe house on 7th and Spring Garden. Besides the rare letters and manuscripts they have on display, there is also the Raven statue and you can listen to some of Poe's work read by Christopher Walken. Valley Forge and Independence Hall are all part of the National Park system as well and are, of course, free this week too. You can also get your history on by visiting Gettysburg, a family favorite growing up in the Squeamish household, where you will not only learn about the turning point in the Civil War, but you can get some exercise by climbing both Little and Big Roundtops and seeing if you can sprint Pickett's Charge, then relax in the cool of Devil's Den. For more recent history, visit the Flight 93 sight where the courageous passengers of that flight brought down what would have been a third attack on 9/11. If you're just looking for some good old fashioned nature, check out the Delaware Water Gap for both hiking and water activities, if you are hardcore enough to handle kayaking (and the potential for falling out of said kayak) this early in the year. As always, the Appalachian Trail offers a challenge to hikers from around the world; bite off as much as you can chew, whether you are just doing a day hike or trying to backpack the whole damn thing. Have fun, be safe and enjoy some thrifty activities for the whole family.

Practice Responsible Consumerism

It's the fourth birthday of Record Store Day, so you need to celebrate by going out to your favorite independent music distributor and getting yourself a little present. By doing this, you are also giving a present to music shops everywhere by showing your support retailers that cater to the record collector (guilty!), the indie snobs (guilty!) the vinyl junkies (2 out of three, oh well!). If you do transport yourself to your local record store, the effort will be rewarded by a shit ton of exclusive releases that you aren't going to find at FYE, Target or HMV. These aren't just a couple of indie bands that are releasing records--there are those too--the Bouncing Souls, Flogging Molly, Gogol Bordello, Beach House and the Magnetic Fields all have exclusive contributions to Record Store Day 2010. But there are plenty of major artists of all different ilks that are releasing vinyl today. The White Stripes, Neil Young, the Flaming Lips (a front to back cover of Dark Side of the Moon complete with an appearance by Henry Rollins), Dave Matthews, Soundgarden and Devo are just a few of the artists participating. So go get yourself some new music, support independent business and pump a few bucks into the economy.
Win Win Win.

Record Store Day

And Justice for All

Important stuff coming up. Since Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens managed to outlast President Bush's final term, President Obama gets a chance to put another person on the high court. No matter who he manages to get appointed, it will almost surely be a loss for progressive politics on the Supreme Court. Justice Stevens has the unique ability to gently guide and walk the line on controversial decisions and his legal theories and judgments are held in wide regard. Stevens is like the wise grandfather figure. Who wouldn't at least listen to what the old bastard has to say? Who could not at least give his advice and wisdom a chance? He was appointed by Gerald Fucking Ford, for Christ's sakes! That means that Stevens already had had a distinguished legal career behind him before I was even born. No wonder at almost 90 years old he is ready for a little rest.

I give Justice Stevens a check-plus for refusing to give up his post while W. was still in office. I think that it is awesome that Stevens was 87 years old and still giving the finger and saying "Fuck you!" to the President. That is awesome. Especially when you consider that he was appointed by a Republican in the first place. That should tell you something about the eight years we were under Carl Rove and Dick Cheney's conservative stranglehold. I could only hope that at that age we all would still feel that sense of rebellion, that burning fire that comes from sticking to one's guns.

The pressure is now on President Obama to find someone that a deeply divided Congress and nation can find acceptable. For sure, the President is going to name someone left leaning. Most of the names mentioned so far certainly are sympathetic to the Democrat's tendencies. But President Obama, and all Presidents, would be well off to find Supreme Court candidates that are truly independent thinkers and that are really looking out for the welfare of the people. The purpose of the Court is to review and cast judgment on that politicized nonsense that are the laws created by Congress. Recently, there has been lots of bellyaching about "activist judges," but in reality, we wouldn't want anyone but an activist judge on the high court. That is the whole point. But what we need is an activist for the truth, not for the political ramblings and bullet points of one party or another.

So if one candidate or another tickles your fancy, write to your favorite congressperson and voice your opinion. They are there to serve you; you pay their salary, make them work towards the things in which you believe. And if you dislike one or more of the candidates, write about that too. Dissent is a quickly evaporating skill that is employed far too little. It is your duty to make your voice heard above the din of the masses. Sing loud, sing proud!

Happy Freedom of Information Day!

That's right Squeamies! Today is James Madison's 269th birthday and in honor of the Father of the Constitution and Bill of Rights, we celebrate the government's requirement to provide, at least to some degree, transparency. Madison had this crazy idea that the size and power of the ruling body should be limited and the governed not be burdened by an intrusive federal power. As a young man, Madison defended many victims of religious oppression and became a protege of Thomas Jefferson in the Virginia legislature. Madison went on to author large parts of the Constitution, including the section that set up the then revolutionary three branch method of government and implemented the check and balance system. At first, Madison opposed the Bill of Rights because he feared that the federal government might claim any power that was not specifically limited in the Bill. When he saw that resistance was futile and that the Bill of Rights was going to happen, he worked tirelessly to ensure that they were the specific list of personal liberties that we know today and that they in no way expanded the oversight of Congress, the President or the court system. Madison fully believed that government was there to serve its citizens and not the other way around, and that it was in the best interest of the country to have an informed people. In his honor, on Freedom of Information Day, the American Library Association passes out the Madison Awards, given to those who best champion the public's right to know and access to public information.

Now, of course, there are severe limitations on what the government is willing to hand over to you, but it is comforting to know that you can't be punished for asking. For the most part, so long as it isn't a matter of national security and it doesn't fall under that hazy cloud of executive privilege, those records are open to you. So celebrate today by asking for anything that interests you. You may genuinely need the information, or it may just be because you can, but make your government work for you. It is there for your benefit and you should take advantage of it. You can find a link below to the Department of Justice which provides information on how to go about obtaining the knowledge you desire. If you are interested in state records, those fall under your particular state's own Freedom of Information Act, which may differ significantly from the federal version. You will need to search for the state information you desire; try looking under "open records law," "public records act," of "sunshine law," if you are having issues as each state has given it its own title. Good luck and have fun! Exercise your rights so we don't lose them!

Department of Justice Freedom of Information Act

Look at all the Love we've Exploited

I got an email the other day that said that Sublime had scheduled a show at the Electric Factory in May. Say what?? I thought that maybe I was delusional and that Bradley Nowell didn't die of a heroin overdose fifteen years ago. A quick trip to Wikipedia proved to me that, no, I hadn't been mistaken, he really was worm food at this point, but that the other two guys had a new singer/guitarist (Rome) and were going on tour, re-dubbed, Sublime with Rome. Wow. I consider myself a respectable Sublime fan, but before I visited their website, I couldn't even name the other two guys. In fact, I'll bet if you asked most Sublime fans, more of them could tell you the name of their mascot dalmatian than the other two thirds of the band.

It's sad. Obviously, both Bud and Eric (drummer and bassist, respectively) need to make a living, and I'm not saying that Sublime didn't have some great beats and bass lines, but really Sublime was Brad. He wrote the melodies and words, he was the face of the band and when he died, the group ceased to exist immediately. After the overdose, Bud and Eric went on to form the Long Beach Dub All Stars with other members of the extended Sublime family. It was a great tribute to their fallen brother and they played the hell out of both their originals and the many Sublime covers in their live sets. But this, using the name that is so closely associated with the frontman, just drips of pandering on the fans sense of nostalgia.

Last Thursday night, Henry Rollins went on at length about the mental breakdown of Bad Brains singer HR. Henry recalled how HR went from being one of the toughest, punkest dudes ever to almost being an embarrassment, both to himself and the band as an organization. In many senses, the HR that fronted the legendary hardcore outfit is dead, and in his place is an imitation of the original. Same with Sublime. With the new dude, Rome (who, though I am being critical, I have to admit sounds almost dead on for Brad and has the advantage of not performing like a junkie), Sublime is putting themselves out there as a tribute to the greatness that they once were, instead of embracing the greatness that they could be. Like the new version of Alice in Chains, Sublime with Rome is really just a really, really good cover band.

I guess I just can't understand how this wouldn't be better as the new version of Long Beach Dub All Stars. Sublime with Rome has been sued by Brad's widow over the use of the Sublime name. She has no issue with them playing the music, just the moniker, and I can't blame her. While I wish nothing but the best and much success for Eric and Bud, I wish that they would reconsider touring as Sublime. It just comes across as desperate that a decade and a half later they still need to cling to Brad's reputation. Let the music stand for itself, don't burden it with nostalgia.

Still, a bunch of people are going to show up for this. Sublime's music continues to be popular with the kiddies and is still in regular rotation on rock radio stations. I'm sure that this show will sell out as the actual Sublime tribute band, Badfish, plays the same venue with regularity. (And, coincidentally has a show two weeks earlier for only five bucks cheaper.) Wednesday, May 5th, $25, The Electric Factory, 7th and Willow.

Happy Anniversary, Recession!

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of the low point of the stock market for our current economic debacle. While stock values have recovered significantly since then, pretty much everything else remains stagnant. Now, some people will try to point out that housing sales are up slightly, but they are being propped up by the $8000 tax incentive and ridiculously low prices. Ask anybody who is actually trying to sell their home right now. It ain't easy and it's not like houses are flying off the market. Sellers have to really work and invest some serious time in getting the place sold, sometimes for considerably less than the asking price. Plus, the job market has yet to show any real signs of recovery. There again, it takes months of full time work to land a job, and you are damn lucky if you aren't taking a serious cut in pay and/or benefits. True, landing a job and selling a house were never easy, but these tasks have become downright scary recently.

All of this means that once again, it is only the rich that are really recovering. Regular people, the ones who are truly struggling, are failing to make up any ground. I guess that some good news is that people's retirement funds are recovering a little bit, but am I the only one who remembers that there was a time when your retirement money wasn't tied to market swings, but was based more on sticking loyally by your company's side and being rewarded with a pension? And people wonder why things like customer service and just a general sense of common courtesy have all but vanished from American providers of goods and services. Where is the incentive for employees to invest anything more that the minimum effort into their job? All employees are seeing these days is the cost of their insurance increasing and their coverage slashed. I'm just saying that it isn't enough that now your 401K isn't hemorrhaging money.

So what is the answer? I don't know, but it sure as fuck isn't the laughable trickle down theory that has long been a given in American economics. Why do we continue to rely on assholes who don't give a shit about anyone else? Even though investments may have recovered values, do we see any of that being reinvested in businesses? Hell no. The wealthy are just continuing to pad their pockets to that they can continue their perceived right to live in luxury. Goddamn. I have absolutely no qualifications in finance or economics and even I can see this system isn't working.

Get Over Yourselves, You Self-Important Jackasses

Hey PETA and Sarah Palin! Way to make yourselves look like a couple of giant bags of douche!

Tuesday, just before that adorable Scottie dog Sadie was crowned Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club, two PETA representatives (working "independently," according to PETA) held up protest signs--"Mutts Rule" and "Breeders kill rescue dogs' chances." What a bunch of dorks. While I am big believer that mutts can be equally as cute as a pure bred canine, and that rescuing dogs is a noble cause, SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY! First of all, this is a competition for pure bred dogs and there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing inherently evil about owning or wanting a pure bred animal. Secondly, there is such a thing as responsible breeding. Again, in and of itself, breeding is fine so long as the goal is to produce quality dogs and not just to churn them out to make some quick dough on a cute puppy. There is a difference between breeders and puppy mills; they are not necessarily the same thing. There are many people who call themselves breeders who really have no clue what they are doing. They are simply out to make a buck, even if they are not necessarily mass producing doggies. Also, it is pretty much proven that odds are a mutt is going to be a healthier dogs long term because so many pure breds are also inbreds. But this is not because breeders are stupid or bad, it is just that particular breeder is stupid or bad. There is a difference and PETA refuses to distinguish between the two categories.

Sarah Palin, who is only connected to PETA in the sense that she too sucks, also made an horse's petute out of herself Wednesday by proclaiming her outrage over Family Guy's portrayal of down syndrome. True, Seth MacFarlane specifically referenced the former governor in the episode, but in no way did they bash on Palin's son (who suffers from the disorder) as she seems to believe. It is hard to feel like a public figure who posts her response on Facebook is protected from being the subject of ridicule. I'm not defending making fun of handicapped people, especially handicapped children, but when you are an elected official, you are subject to a different set of standards than the rest of us folks and you should expect your life to be dissected, and that includes your family. Plus, and most importantly, it was a joke, comedy, a jest. Maybe it isn't your sense of humor, but it was supposed to be farce--and really only partially at your expense. Sarah Palin, take note: if you want to keep you private life private, don't run for Vice President and don't put your life on display on fucking Facebook. You looked like a dunce when you boo-hooed about David Letterman, and you look like a whale's vagina now.

So, in summary, fuck PETA, fuck Sarah Palin, and fuck Facebook. I hate you all passionately. The world would be better off if each of you just kept to yourselves and stayed the hell out of society's way. That is all.

American as Apple Pie

Who ever would have thought that when the Simpsons premiered in 1989 that it would grow into an iconic, American brand? As evidenced by their Super Bowl crossover commercial with Coca-Cola (est. 1886), the Simpsons has now solidified itself into an classic American institution. No other single product established in the last 25 years can claim the influence that the Simpsons can. As if they needed my stamp of approval, Homer Simpson and family can join a list of illustrious (and time tested) brands.

Ford (est. 1903)

McDonald's (est. 1940)

The Wall Street Journal (est. 1889)

Budweiser (est. 1876)
Saturday Night Live (est. 1975)
Disney (est. 1923)
Nike (est. 1964)
Chevrolet (est. 1911)
Rolling Stone (est. 1967)
Macy's (est. 1858)
Harley Davidson (est. 1903)

The thing that links all of these organizations together is that they are more than just the product that they put out. They each represent a lifestyle, an attitude. Devotees of any of the above are subject, for better or worse, to certain assumptions and personality profile bullet points. There are certainly other brands, both American and otherwise, that represent the same point. Each one of these giants are more than the sum of their profits, more than the sum of their parts.

The Simpsons are sure to go down in history as more than a successful cartoon. They are a critique of American culture. Like All in the Family before them, the Simpsons is unafraid of exploring and poking fun at all aspects of society, from the controversial to the mundane. They are marketing gold--anything bearing their images sells and is automatically collectible. And on almost any occasion, the Simpsons are able to be used as a source for quotation, and more often than not, said quotes are completely applicable and appropriate. They have accomplished all of this by being reasonably subversive and without catering or pandering to anyone.

Despite the fact that most TV shows grow stale and most products are replaced by something faster and sleeker, the Simpsons continues to put out an entertaining show and their licensed merchandise is still enjoyable and, for the most part, creative. Each Sunday night, fall through spring, the Simpsons can be counted on to provide truly funny satire and a little bit of finger pointing at all of us. Not too shabby for a show that had Bill Cosby worried about Bart becoming a role model for little boys and that former President Bush tried to use to represent the decline of the American family. When it all comes down to it HW Bush will go down as a one term president who rode Regan's coattails into office, and Cosby, who despite breaking down racial barriers with the Cosby Show, may be more remembered for other people's impressions of him. But the Simpsons will always be known, at the very least, for putting "Doh!" into the dictionary and, at the very most, for epitomizing the best and worst in American culture, and for forcing us to come to grips with the contradictions of our society. As Homer so eloquently put it, "I see the light...it burns!"